Advice

I’d like to take this opportunity to impart the wisdom I have gleaned

As a well schooled well traveled worldly woman

You’ve got lots to learn from me

These treasured dos and don’t such pearls don’t come at any price

It would serve you awfully well to listen to this sage advice

 

No matter how late I am at breakfast, I don’t put my fork in the toaster anymore

When getting out the frozen foods I don’t put my tongue on the freezer door no more

When bungee jumping in a third world country better double check your own cable

When greeting the bride at the reception line, it’s best to leave your red wine back at the table

 

Somethings you learn the first time

No teacher quite like pain

Some things you learn the first time

But I keep going back, I keep going back, I keep going back to him again

 

The discount might be mighty tempty but don’t go deep sea fishing in a small craft warning

Don’t learn Spanish from the cute souvenier boy, metatay lo does not mean good morning

No such thing as a benevolent pitt bull even with a friendly name like rover

Xeroxing your tush at the office party is not so funny once you’re sober.

Somethings you learn the first time

No teacher quite like pain

Some things you learn the first time

But I keep going back, I keep going back, I keep going back to him again

 

When jump starting cars please remember

It’s red on red not red on black

Try to avoid high speed merges in a pinto

And if pork is pink send it back

 

When  calling in a fake sick day, don’t use the broken arm excuse

Crossbows can be sensitive, avoid taking them on public buses

Some laxatives look like chocolate.